God’s grace, peace and mercy be with
you. My sermon title is Keys of Christian
Marriage. My focus is our gospel. Let us pray. Heavenly Father, the
psalmist wrote, “I rejoiced when they
said to me, ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord.’” Now that our feet are within your gates, we
rejoice to hear your Word. As we listen, may your Spirit enlighten our minds
and move our hearts to love deeply as Jesus loved. This we pray to you, Most
Holy Trinity. Amen.
Love
and marriage, love and marriage
They
go together like a horse and carriage
This I
tell you, brother
You
can't have one without the other
"Love
and Marriage" is a song with lyrics by Sammy Cahn and music by Jimmy Van
Heusen. It was introduced by Frank Sinatra in the 1955 television production of
Thornton Wilder's Our Town. Sinatra
recorded two versions of the song for Capitol Records in 1955, and on the 1956
album This Is Sinatra! It became a
major hit and was later used as the theme song for the sitcom Married... with Children.
Love
is obviously key to marriage, and undoubtedly to Christian Marriage. Before I
go into that, let me look at our Gospel. As Jesus travelled throughout Judea,
the Pharisees approached him with a test question, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Divorce was widely
accepted in Jewish society at the time, despite the Biblical assertion that God
hates divorce.[1]
There was some controversy among Pharisees over
what constituted sufficient grounds for divorce, but here the question was
whether divorce was permissible at all. Actually, theirs was not a question,
since they already knew the answer, but a trap to expose the unorthodox
teachings of Jesus; to which Jesus posed a counter question.
Moses was silent on the question of divorce,
and the only mention of it in the Torah is Deuteronomy 24, which granted a man
the possibility of writing a bill of divorce. The bill relinquished any legal
claims he had on his wife and allowed her to marry someone else. It also
afforded her some legal protection from the man who rejected her. The purpose
of the bill did not authorize divorce but limited consequences for the woman.
Jesus explained the reason for this was the
hardness of their hearts that led men to dissolve their marriages. Jesus chided
the Pharisees, and even his own disciples for their hard hearts and stiff
necks.[2] He then drew attention to
the real commandment found not in the fifth book of the Torah, but the first,
where he cited the two creation accounts.
In Genesis 1:27, we read, “God created man in his own
image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
In 2:24, we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to
his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” By linking the two verses,
Jesus indicated that the communion of love between a husband and a wife is a
sign pointing to God’s ultimate purpose in creating humanity in his image.
Raising
the discussion to a new level, by referring to humanity before the fall, Jesus
implied that God’s original intention is the true standard for marriage, and
that the concession in Deuteronomy no longer applies because humanity is no
longer captive to sin, hard-heartedness or family breakdown. Jesus ushered in
the new reality – the Kingdom of God – that empowered people to live and
experience what God intended from the beginning. This new reality was made
possible through the Paschal Mystery – the suffering, death and resurrection of
Jesus Christ.
Jesus
concluded his teaching with “What God has joined together, no one must
separate.” In other words, the bond God created – the union of husband
and wife – cannot be dissolved by any human authority.
His
disciples must have wondered why Jesus would take away what was allowed in the
Law of Moses and set a stricter standard. He did not make life more difficult
for them. Rather, he empowered them to live according to God’s original plan
through the cross and resurrection. Once they experienced that, they could no
longer settle for less.
Inside
the house, Jesus expanded his teaching: “Whoever divorces his wife and marries
another commits adultery against her.” This is radical in two ways.
First, the indissolubility of marriage was as challenging and countercultural
then as it is today. Second, it recognized that adultery was a sin against the
woman. Note that in Jewish society, adultery was one man’s sin against another
man because his wife was considered his property. Here, Jesus acknowledged the
total equality of man and woman, and the mutual belonging of husband and wife
in marriage. His teaching also challenged Roman citizens to be countercultural
where women had a legal right to divorce for it affirmed that they were equally
responsible for upholding the permanence of the marriage bond.
So,
what does Jesus’ teaching mean for us – all of us whether we are married or
not? As a married Christian man, I cannot compartmentalize and choose Jesus’
teachings about different areas of life – marriage, wealth, respect for law,
authorities, life, parents, prayer, almsgiving and so on. I cannot separate his
teaching from how I live marriage. I cannot choose to observe his teaching on
prayer and parents, and ignore his teaching on almsgiving and authority. Jesus’
teaching on any area of life, like his teaching on marriage is like the song, they
go together with love. And this love, I find through the cross and resurrection.
I bear
the cross as Christ’s disciple and experience the resurrection. Whether you are
married, single, divorced, widowed, young and vibrant, aged and frail, rich,
poor, male, female, student or business owner, you know that life, marriage,
relationships, keeping the law, bearing the cross is difficult because of sin.
It is difficult because I am a hard hearted, stiff necked person – and yet I know
that I can experience life, marriage, relationships, work and whatever in a new
way because of the cross and resurrection. It is possible for me because I live
not only in God’s creation, but also in God’s kingdom. Living in God’s kingdom
and reflecting on his original plan for me and all people means that living
life and marriage is not only easy, it’s wonderful.
Cindy
and I have been married for eight wonderful years. Since the beginning, prayer
time together has been an essential ingredient in our relationship. We pray
before meals, and often share a daily reading and reflection after supper
followed by a brief conversation on a discussion question. We pray the psalms
in the morning and before retiring for the night. She also reads and offers
feedback on my sermons. I lovingly call her The
Sermonator.
We
have always looked for ways to deepen our relationship, and so, next weekend, we
will take time away to be with each other on a Marriage Encounter
weekend.[3] We are doing this because
we are look forward to learn more about each other through effective
communication and prayer. If you read my blog, you can find out how it
went for us.[4]
In
closing, some answers from married people who answered my question, “What are
the keys to Christian marriage?”
First,
Dale and his wife, Tawni, are married for 30 years. He wrote: I was taught at a young age that a family
that prays together stays together. One thing that I feel that’s very important
is that we are both givers, not takers, but most importantly every single day I
pray the same prayer word by word and have done this for many, many years. (We
celebrated our 30th anniversary this past Monday). Here’s a small portion that
I pray that pertains to our marriage.
Dear Mary, Dear God, Dear Jesus, Bless and
Protect the marriage between Tawni and myself. May our hearts bond as one. May
the Love and attraction that we have for each other grow stronger for each
other both inside and out. May we grow to respect one another, support one
another, and be patient for one another. May we grow to be Great Parents, Great
Lovers, and may we grow into a Great Relationship. Forgive Us of our Sins and
Guide us to the Gates of Heaven. In your name we pray this Lord Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Next,
my wife, Cindy, penned these words: 1.
God First - By keeping God first in the marriage, you don't put yourself first.
Keep God first by praying together as much possible. 2. Spouse second - Put
your spouse ahead of yourself. Marriage is not 50%/50%. It is 100%/0%. Give
100% of yourself without expecting anything in return. 3. Respect and love each
other always. Final thoughts - It is important to take time together every day
to unplug and just communicate with each other. Taking the dog for a walk
together is a good time for talking.
Lou
and Mary recently celebrated their 50th Anniversary. In no
particular order, Lou bullet pointed his keys.
·
Openness
to growth as an individual and as a couple
·
Willingness
to forgive and to ask for forgiveness
·
Stop
keeping score … put aside your ego for the sake of your relationship.
·
It’s
not important to be right … goes along with putting aside your ego
·
Always
ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or would I rather be in relationship?”
·
Understand
that living in a Christ-centered relationship requires that we take
responsibility for our actions and have a deep belief that Christ has a stake
in our relationship.
·
Believe
that the Holy Spirit is working in our relationship and ask daily for the grace
to love, to forgive, for healing and for intimacy in our relationship.
·
Surround
yourself with other couples who believe in the sanctity of marriage, who share
common values and support each other.
·
Continue
to learn about the complexities and dynamics of a love relationship. Never stop
learning … never be satisfied.
·
Give
back to your faith community and share your “coupleness” and talents with
others. Our faith communities and our society need strong role models who
believe in marriage. Get involved in a marriage ministry program, marriage
prep, couples’ faith sharing circles/bible studies, etc.
·
Believe
in the power of prayer.
·
Trust
in the goodness of your spouse especially when you may be at odds with one
another.
·
Make
time for each other especially when time demands may pull you in twelve
different directions.
Paul
and Mary, are in what he describes as a cross-cultural marriage. Of the Keys of
Christian Marriage, he wrote:
At the top of the list is the way the
apostle Paul tells husbands and wives to treat each other in Ephesians 5:22-33
– wives submitting to and respecting their husbands as to the Lord; and
husbands, loving and giving themselves up for their wives as Christ did (even
to the point of dying!). There are greater depths there than I am summarizing
here, like a husband loving his wife so as to “nourish” her and see her grow
(Eph 5:29).
But one key thing that the passage points
us to is the idea of doing everything in relationship not to each other
primarily, but first in relationship to the Lord. The wife respects the
husband, not because he’s always worthy of respect, but because she does it for
the Lord. And the husband loves the wife, not because she’s always lovely, but
because Christ loved us and the husband is called to reflect that love and
extend it on to His wife as the Lord wants us to. Primarily, our marriage
relationship is about our relationship with God, and our actions that flow out
of that.
…Which gets to the greatest piece of
wedding advice, in the form of a prayer, that I ever got, written to us in a
card on our wedding day: “May you love God more, so that you love each other
better.”
That primary relationship with God, before
the relationship with each other, is what a couple will have to lean on in the
difficult times. We need to know and experience God’s love and forgiveness
through the Lord Jesus, so that, in the words of the sermon preached on our
wedding day, “when you realize you’ve married such a sinner,” it will be God’s
abundant love and forgiveness that you can rely on to comfort you – and to flow
through you to the other person. And when you finally realize there’s no amount
of griping or complaining or nagging that you can do to change your spouse, you
go to the one who can change a person’s heart, and you ask and trust God to do
the work.
My wife and I have a cross-cultural
marriage. But really, we say, every marriage is cross-cultural. Every couple
grew up in a different home with a different culture all its own. It’s just a
matter of degree. And our degree of cross-culture is fairly high. But, we also
say, because we have the same Heavenly Father, we ultimately are coming to
things from the same culture – knowing God and His love, obeying the Lord
Jesus, committed to what He says and how He directs us to best live life under
His authority and care. If it’s ultimately centered in a relationship with Him,
a marriage is centered on a solid rock and will not just survive, but flourish
into the reflection of God’s love for us that Paul talked about in Ephesians.
Wendell
and Kari have been married for 37 years. He summarized his thoughts this way:
1. Be polite and courteous. Open doors,
say please and thank you for everything (and mean it), help carry stuff, put
the toilet seat down, etc., etc.
2. Walk away when mad. Much better than
having to spend weeks cleaning up unkind words.
3. Never utter the “D” word. Once you’ve
rung that bell you can’t unring it.
4. Realize that there will be times you
simply don’t want to be married to that person. Keep quiet and pray about it.
You will be amazed in a week or so when you can’t imagine you ever wanted to be
without that person.
5. Make a conscious effort to make
“deposits” into the marital bank account. If you consistently take withdrawals
without ever making deposits, pretty soon the account is empty.
My
friends, these are a few thoughts about marriage. As you have time today,
reflect upon them and God’s desire for marriage, and share your loving thoughts
and words with one another and others. And when you do, may the peace of God
that surpasses all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Amen.
[1]
Malachi 2:16.
[2]
Mark 6:52; 8:17.
[3] http://www.wwme.org/
[4] My
blog is at http://cwynar.blogspot.com/
